It is one thing to spot a narcissist, whether it be in the family, your spouse, a person of authority in society or a work colleague, but what about their victims? Many victims don’t even know that they are victims themselves, just that “something” (if not all) is not right. Perhaps a friend is not what they used to be?
There are victims right under our noses – just like there are narcissists, right under our noses.
I’d like to recommend reading Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, by Jeni Mawter. She has written a beautifully eloquent post, which covers both narcissists and their victims. I won’t copy everything that she wrote, but here is the concluding paragraph:
Victims need validation and education about what has happened to them. They need information about the medical condition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and its toxicity in relationships. They need education about how they have contributed to their situation through co-dependence. They need therapy to deal with symptoms. They will need support to remove themselves from their narcissistic relationship, and to not repeat the cycle of abuse in their next relationship. One of their greatest challenges may come from not being believed by significant others, either because these others have not seen the private face of the narcissist or because they themselves are in the narcissist’s thrall.
It is a terrible tragedy that many people are unable to reach their full potential due to other’s who constantly belittle them. I urge anyone who identifies themselves as being a possible victim to believe in themselves enough to seek help and support to enable them to overcome their situation.
Life is so much more beautiful without narcissists…
I was 50 years old before I discovered, quite by accident, that there was a name for what was wrong with my mother. I still have not found a therapist who has a clue about narcissistic parents, or the devestation they create. I hope you will continue to write, to make people aware, and to encourage people in these toxic relationships to get out and run for their lives.
Thank you Zen Doe for your kind comments – I will do my best to forward all that I learn, as I go along. You highlight perhaps the real problem: therapists don’t have a clue about narcissist parents. In the above link, in the comments section (comment #49), there is an explanation to this:
…Narcissistic behaviour, because it is a personality disorder, is the domain of psychiatry (mental health services), not psychotherapy.
It seems that nobody (or very few) has actually linked the narcissist and the victim together, which really is quite bizarre.
Victims of narcissistic abuse are more likely to go into personal therapy than to a psychiatrist when their world starts falling apart. Of course they do not come in and say “I am the victim of narcissistic abuse”, they come in because they are not coping with their lives, and they have no idea what is happening to them…
So, it seems to me that psychiatrists and psychologists need to get together on this one. They are, independently, only ever seeing one half of the problem.
I think there is not enough knowledge about personality disorders. It should really be taught as part of National Curriculum taught in schools.
I had thought that the first one that I had met had NPD, even today I do not know if he was NPD or a sadistic distempered psychopath. I think now probably the latter. But I still weigh up the two. One thing that I do know is that all sociopaths/psychopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are psychopaths.
Having knowledge and understanding can be the first step on the road to recovery. And of freeing yourself from the pain. I know for me, when I didn’t understand things it made me blame myself (as the narcissist had done).
Ironically for me, the emotional damage was so severe that it took a charismatic sociopath to undo the damage that was done by the narcissist! …. It was never know if it was the Narc that caused me to have severe chronic PTSD, or my daughters death. Even today I do not know. as I was already traumatised when I met him (and he used my dead daughter to gaslight, and manipulate me). Looking back now, I am shocked that such evil people can exist, the isolation of support, the smear campaigns afterwards removing what I did have left in my life.
If I had known more, I would have raised my children to understand. Nice blog!
Hi Nikki – it sounds as though you have had a torrid time of it, and I’m as gob-smacked as you are at how evil some people can be. I totally agree with you when you say “One thing that I do know is that all sociopaths/psychopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are psychopaths” – although it takes me all my bits to figure if they are ONLY narcissists, or so much more.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here – Stay strong